Burning Butterfly's

If you ever find yourself wanting to impress a room full of addicts bring up the subject of Nihilism. And if you want them to think you’re both cool and smart, call it Existential Nihilism. Here’s a quick overview from Wikipedia:
Most commonly, nihilism is presented in the form of existential nihilism which argues that life is without objective meaning, purpose, or value.


In an earlier essay I listed off a few authors from my bookshelf which can be used as a resource library for the Philosophic Evolution of Existential Nihilism (now I’m just trying to impress you). But if you’re not familiar with any of those authors, don’t worry, there’s no reason you should be.


Because essentially all Nihilism is, is just a bunch of spoiled adults who don’t want to accept responsibility for living. It’s a pseudo-sociological way of saying, “F-It, Nothing Matters!” while swan-diving into whatever feel-good carnality they choose.


And that was exactly the self-righteous battle cry of my escapades for years. I loved this philosophy of meaninglessness; it offered perfect freedom in both being creative and destructive simultaneously. And I think there’s a part of everyone that is drawn at least romantically to this idea of being beautiful tragedies. But addicts are the one’s who love it enough to live it.


(And if you've been able to recite these last 2 paragraphs from memory to them, I guarantee at this point they’ll be hanging on your every word)


I can still remember leaning my head back with every sip from a warm glass of scotch as I’d roll it in my mouth; mesmerized on the burning butterfly a woman’s subtle fingers will resemble, slowly turning as she inhales crack from a glass pipe. Every minute of those nights seemed like a complete testimony to life’s purpose. Not as a sadist. Not as a masochist. As a nihilist. Because to me the whole ritual was always captivatingly complete, beautiful beyond words, but ultimately, suicidal and worthless.


It’s the beauty in destruction that attracted me. Not the destruction itself. It’s the actual beauty being torn down. You see, the reason addicts are not sober is because they don’t like sobriety. We don’t like your goals. We don’t like your success. We don’t want to win. We want equality. We want you destroyed into being like us.


And it’s only by kneeling on the depravity of that crumbling platform of existence that I came from, that I can first look up and speak honestly with Jesus. Because scripture tells me that Jesus…


“made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” –Phil 2:7-8


And then it says,


“For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his." -Rom 6:5-6


So it’s as though Jesus had already become human like me, to die with me, to reach me in my death and pull me out. And I can’t think of a more beautiful and complete sacrifice to and resurrection from nihilism than that.