To be forgiven

To me at least, it’s not a question of how we ought to forgive; there are endless ways to forgive. There are more ways to forgive than there are reasons- Soft and beautiful poetic ways- Loving melodic and uplifting ways- Simple ways- Even silent ways. No, how we forgive is not our challenge. Our challenge is in the question, ‘Why would anyone accept our forgiveness?’

It’s as though a violent quake has torn the ground open between two persons and so a bridge is built by one of them. But will the other person cross? Well, why would they? I have forgiven many, extending many bridges. I have built bridges with letters, with gifts, and with poems. I have built bridges with slight smiles, gentle whispers and compassion. I’ve built bridges upon bridges on top of one another. All in hope and in prayer that the person who I’ve been separated from will finally accept and trust and cross and let us be rejoined again. Yet no one comes. Why? Because I am prideful and a fool and I have misunderstood forgiveness.


Watch as I stand at this side of life, waiting, for those I’ve forgiven to come. Stand with me here in my self-reliance staring into the distance, wondering, “When will they see that I’ve let go of their attacks and allowed them to love me again?” as though they were waiting for my permission.


The truth is that I have the need to forgive, not that they have the need to receive it. I have the need to forgive because they are those who I most need to love.


Yes, a tear has happened which I must mend. A bridge must be built, a dozen bridges by my own hands. Then I myself must run. I must cross that connection. I must race at a full sprint rushing to the one I’m separated from. To embrace them, to kiss them, to lift their wrists to my own sides and hold their arms around me. This, to me, is forgiveness- to run and lift up and hold the person who’s hurt me until my strength finally gives and I collapse at their feet.


When (even if in the silence of their bewilderment at me) I am able to say to them, “I’m sorry. I’ve been hurt. In my pride, I’ve allowed myself to think I deserved your love and your friendship. I am not deserving of it, I am blessed by it. And I am blessed to be allowed to love you in return. Please let me set down this pain between us and love you once again.”