To be forgiven

To me at least, it’s not a question of how we ought to forgive; there are endless ways to forgive. There are more ways to forgive than there are reasons- Soft and beautiful poetic ways- Loving melodic and uplifting ways- Simple ways- Even silent ways. No, how we forgive is not our challenge. Our challenge is in the question, ‘Why would anyone accept our forgiveness?’

It’s as though a violent quake has torn the ground open between two persons and so a bridge is built by one of them. But will the other person cross? Well, why would they? I have forgiven many, extending many bridges. I have built bridges with letters, with gifts, and with poems. I have built bridges with slight smiles, gentle whispers and compassion. I’ve built bridges upon bridges on top of one another. All in hope and in prayer that the person who I’ve been separated from will finally accept and trust and cross and let us be rejoined again. Yet no one comes. Why? Because I am prideful and a fool and I have misunderstood forgiveness.


Watch as I stand at this side of life, waiting, for those I’ve forgiven to come. Stand with me here in my self-reliance staring into the distance, wondering, “When will they see that I’ve let go of their attacks and allowed them to love me again?” as though they were waiting for my permission.


The truth is that I have the need to forgive, not that they have the need to receive it. I have the need to forgive because they are those who I most need to love.


Yes, a tear has happened which I must mend. A bridge must be built, a dozen bridges by my own hands. Then I myself must run. I must cross that connection. I must race at a full sprint rushing to the one I’m separated from. To embrace them, to kiss them, to lift their wrists to my own sides and hold their arms around me. This, to me, is forgiveness- to run and lift up and hold the person who’s hurt me until my strength finally gives and I collapse at their feet.


When (even if in the silence of their bewilderment at me) I am able to say to them, “I’m sorry. I’ve been hurt. In my pride, I’ve allowed myself to think I deserved your love and your friendship. I am not deserving of it, I am blessed by it. And I am blessed to be allowed to love you in return. Please let me set down this pain between us and love you once again.”

The Loved of God

I have intimacy issues. Namely, I've always had trouble feeling Love.


It's extremely hard for me to love someone and it's even harder to feel anyone's love for me. This is a major obstacle in my life that I've never fully learned to deal with.


Little by little though, I am finally being led with small, childlike steps into the warmth of a genuine Love as I gently trust and accept Gods' love for me through Jesus.


It's a very slow but pleasantly overwhelming experience.


Here's a couple verses and an excellent sermon that helps me when I'm feeling dead or disconnected inside. Because I know there are many, many more of you who, like me, still live with the cold lifeless heart we were born with. So I hope this helps to breathe a little of Gods' warm breath into you as well.


I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and soul.
-Jeremiah 32:40-41

..we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, now powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:37-39

the called of Christ- the loved of God pt 2

-John Piper, Romans 1:6-7

Oh Holy Night

Gen 22, pt 2- Parallels between Isaac and Jesus

It would be interesting to find out exactly how many parallels there are between Isaac at the alter and Jesus at the cross.


Here's a Jon Courson video sermon that lists about thirty.

Gen 20- Jon Courson

A Dangerous Calling

Gen 22- Training and Testing through Trials and Temptations

Abraham was already 100 years old when God finally allowed Isaac to be born to him and his wife Sarah. But this wasn’t God’s first act in Abraham’s life. Abraham had already been in training with God through many trials and temptations before Isaac ever came.


At 75 years old, God commanded Abraham to leave his fathers land (12:1). Once in Shechem God appeared to Abraham and said, “To your offspring I will give this land (Canaan)” (12:7). Later in Egypt, the Lord saved Sarah and Abraham from Pharaoh (12:17). Then again, God was with Abraham when he rescued his nephew Lot from the four kings (14:14).


On his way back from battle with the four kings Abraham met Melchizedek, the “Priest of God”, who immediately pronounced, “Blessed be Abram by God most high!” (14:19) After all of this, God then met with Abraham in a fiery ceremony and made a formal covenant saying, “Look toward heaven and the number of stars, if you are able to number them. So shall your offspring be.” (15:5)


All these are only a few examples scripture gives to show us how through year after year God was continually present with Abraham while training Abraham like a cadet in boot camp. Abraham was learning to listen, learning to trust, and learning to follow orders.


So finally when in Genesis 22:1 scripture says, “After these things God tested Abraham” I’m now able to stand inside the story with Abraham and say, “Yes! Let’s see how all God’s training has shaped us. Let’s show that we are loyal and faithful to our King.”


So God said, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.” (22:2) And as you can read yourself, Abraham obeyed flawlessly.


In fact, scripture doesn’t speak of any emotional response from Abraham at all. It simply says, “So Abraham rose up early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac.” (22:3)


I love this story. I love it because when I step back and look at Abraham’s whole life it helps me to get a perspective of God’s work in my own life. As I heard one commentator say, “God is not rushing in to solve our problems; he’s carefully leading us through them.”


And now I can understand that I am in training by God.


That through every trial God has been with me. In fact, every trial in itself was carefully crafted by God. I can begin to see how every trial has acted as a sort of obstacle course through my past in which God himself has led me- refining me with fire, equipping me with strength, maturing me with confidence, mentoring me with wisdom- All of which I’ll need to overcome the trials I’ll be led to face today.


And sometimes even now when I still feel overwhelmed, I just picture Abraham at the base of that mountain with his son. Then I imagine myself standing at the base of a mountain God has led me to.


And I think to myself, “This is not a random mistake. This is not a punishment. I didn’t take a wrong turn. God hasn’t let me get lost. This exact mountain is in front of me on exactly the day God planned. This mountain is the reason I’ve been in training up to this point.”


So in sharing this with anyone reading I would offer this bit of advice- When you’re slammed up against a seemingly overwhelming challenge. When you can’t see around a problem in your own life and question how you even got there. When you wonder why God hasn't “rushed in.” Stop it.


Stop wailing and crying how undeserved it all seems. That’s like begging God to take the mountain away. Instead, show your reverence. Cover your mouth with your hand. Gaze at the immensity and awesomeness of this challenge. Take a night, set up camp at its base. And as you lay on your back in the dark silence staring up at this forbearing trial, reflect on all the challenges in life you have already faced and been led through to reach this point.


Reflect on all the times you thought you wouldn’t get through. Reflect how many times in the past God carried you even as you distrusted him. Then get some rest. And when you wake up early the next morning, give thanks to God for this and every trial. Then start climbing.




Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. -James 1:2-4

Trust our fall into Jesus

click below-
Trust-Fall

Gen 21- Ishmael and Isaac

After listening to seven hours of sermons from four different teachers, the best lesson I can grasp concerning the split in Abraham's lineage between Isaac and Ishmael simply comes directly from our Apostle Paul in Galatians 4-

Tell me, you who desire to be under the law,

do you not listen to the law?

For it is written that Abraham had two sons,

one by a slave woman and one by a free woman.

But the son of the slave was born according to the flesh,

while the son of the free woman was born through promise.

Now this may be interpreted allegorically:

these women are two covenants.

One is from Mount Sinai,

bearing children for slavery;

she is Hagar.

Now Hagar is Mount Sinai in Arabia;

she corresponds to the present Jerusalem,

for she is in slavery with her children.

But the Jerusalem above is free,

and she is our mother.

For it is written,

“Rejoice, O barren one who does not bear;

break forth and cry aloud, you who are not in labor!

For the children of the desolate one will be more

than those of the one who has a husband.”

Now you, brothers, like Isaac, are children of promise.

But just as at that time he who was born according to the flesh

persecuted him who was born according to the Spirit, so also it is now.

But what does the Scripture say?

“Cast out the slave woman and her son,

for the son of the slave woman shall not

inherit with the son of the free woman.”

So, brothers, we are not children of the slave

but of the free woman. -Galatians 4:21-31

Christmas at Sea

(Poem by Robert Louis Stevenson, arranged by Sting)

All day we tacked and tacked between the South Head and the North;

All day we hauled the frozen sheets, and got no further forth;

All day as cold as charity, in bitter pain and dread,

For very life and nature we tacked from head to head.

We gave the South a wider berth, for there the tide-race roared;

But every tack we made we brought the North Head close aboard.

So's we saw the cliff and houses and the breakers running high,

And the coastguard in his garden, with his glass against his eye.

The frost was on the village roofs as white as ocean foam;

The good red fires were burning bright in every longshore home;

The windows sparkled clear, and the chimneys volleyed out;

And I vow we sniffed the victuals as the vessel went about.

The bells upon the church were rung with a mighty jovial cheer;

For it's just that I should tell you how (of all days in the year)

This day of our adversity was blessed Christmas morn,

And the house above the coastguard's was the house where I was born.

And well I knew the talk they had, the talk that was of me,

Of the shadow on the household and the son that went to sea;

And O the wicked fool I seemed, in every kind of way,

To be here and hauling frozen ropes on blessed Christmas Day.

Gen- 20, When Unbelievers are More Moral than Believers

After my first year in community college I was invited to join the honor society. I had a 4.0 GPA while registered with 12 credits for both semesters which meant I was "worthy” to be their member.
And I knew it was childish. I knew it was only a community college where even the average high school kid could’ve achieved the same grades with the same effort.


Never the less, I paid the small fee and in a crowded ceremony was given a dime-sized golden pin.


And even though a part of me still felt immature, I proudly wore that pin on the lapel of my Carhartt jacket everywhere I went. Simply put, it was a small symbol of my success. Seeing me wearing this symbol on campus or around town you could assume I had at least a moderate achievement of higher learning.


Well, a few years have passed since then. I never did graduate and the pin has long since been lost. So even now, I guess it’s proclamation was made useless. But still being a vain person who finds meaning and identity in wearing symbols I now wear a cross on a leather string around my neck.

There’s a difference though. Whereas the pin I wore was a symbol of my accomplishment, the cross I wear is not. In fact, it’s not a representation of me at all. Don’t even assume that by my display of this cross that I have by any means even earned the right to wear it. I have done nothing.
This cross is only a tribute to the act of Jesus Christ. It does not mean that I am a better person for wearing it. It does not mean I am honest, or compassionate, or trustworthy. It doesn’t even mean I’m Christian.


In fact, part of why I wear it is because I struggle in all of these areas. And it acts as a daily reminder in my reflection of all the things I am not and all the things Christ is.


Chapter 20 of Genesis deals with a similar issue. Abraham (God’s chosen) has once again been caught in a selfish distrust for God and fear for his own life. As a result, Abraham then lies to a non-believer while putting his wife’s life, his marriage, and his lineage in jeopardy.


It’s a good lesson which teaches me how a servant of God can be prideful, deceitful, and unloving. And how a trusting, non-believer was nearly punished for it.


I too need to remember that as a believer of God I am by no means of any better character than my non-believing brothers; that we as Christians do not have the moral high ground over all things. We are however, at best, open to a Godly correction.


So I guess my point is this- the cross I wear is not an honor society pin. It should not be assumed I have lived a Christ-like life worthy of it. It is however a symbol of the one who is Christ and my hope to be lead by him.


So let me not be self-righteous or shone any person when they’ve exposed me in my hypocrisy. I cannot assume that because they are an unbeliever or even of a different faith that they have no right to confront me. In fact, it may even be that God is using them to speak ever more boldly to me.


Here's an excellent video sermon by Jon Courson to carry us through the whole of Chapter 20:

Genesis 20- Abraham and Abimelech

Jon Courson

Undeserved Forgiveness

I think the absolute greatest gift you can give someone this holiday season is an Undeserved Forgiveness. Not because our enemy has finally changed their ways or repented or even apologized. But exactly because they have not. That through this free gift of unmerited forgiveness you have shared with them a glimpse of the eternal love of our living God. Here's some very honest quotes to think about as you make your Christmas Card list this year...


Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. -Anonymous

Forgiveness is . . . accepting God's sovereign use of people and situations to strip you of self importance, and humiliate your self love. -Martha Kilpatrick

When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it. -Louis B. Smedes

Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die.—Nelson Mandela when asked why he was not resentful for his imprisonment.

The glory of Christianity is to conquer by forgiveness. --William Blake

God's Unchanging Hand

When we sing our praises in Heaven

I just might be in the bluegrass section.

Gen 17-18. Abrahamic Covenant

There's a ton of information in chapters 17-18: the origin of circumcision, the promise of Isaac, intercession for the fall of Sodom, etc... So I'm not going to try to summarize it in writing. Instead, I've attached Jon Courson's video sermon on it. It's about 11/2 hours. He also goes on a number of interesting tangents in biblical ethics and practices that's worth watching.. Enjoy!

Gen 17-18, with Jon Courson

Jon and his dog PawDre!

Gen 16 pt. 2, Hagar-Ishmael-Islam

The angel of the LORD found her (Hagar) by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.”
The angel of the LORD said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel of the LORD also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.”
And the angel of the LORD said to her, “Behold, you are pregnant and shall bear a son. You shall call his name Ishmael, because the LORD has listened to your affliction. He shall be a wild donkey of a man, his hand against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.” -Genesis 16:7-12

As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes, and I will make him into a great nation. -Genesis 17:20

Islamic traditions consider Ishmael to be the ancestor of Arab people,[2] excluding Arabs who are descendants of Ya'rub. Arabs who are from Ishmael-descendant tribes are occasionally referred to as "Arabized-Arabs" to highlight their ancestry. The Prophet Muhammad was of these Arabs
-Wikipedia

Come to Jesus

Psalm 4- Hear me when I call, O God

Give ear to my words, O LORD; consider my groaning.

Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God,

for to you do I pray.

O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice;

in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.

For you are not a God who delights in wickedness; evil may not dwell with you.

The boastful shall not stand before your eyes; you hate all evildoers.

You destroy those who speak lies; the LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love, will enter your house.

I will bow down toward your holy temple in the fear of you.

Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies;

make your way straight before me. For there is no truth in their mouth;

their inmost self is destruction; their throat is an open grave;

they flatter with their tongue. Make them bear their guilt, O God;

let them fall by their own counsels; because of the abundance of their transgressions cast them out, for they have rebelled against you.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy,

and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name

may exult in you.

For you bless the righteous, O LORD;

you cover him with favor as with a shield.

Gen-16 pt. 1, Abram-Hagar-Ishmael

My top three favorite video's telling of the birth of Ishmael

Gen 15- Living in the Gap

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:13-15


Most times it feels like I’m just standing in a room with my hands at my sides while God tosses random items in a suitcase for me. And as he takes some things from my shelves and throws them in, still others are picked up and thrown directly in the garbage as he says, “You gonna need this" and "You’ve never needed this.” All while I politely stare in dazed amusement wondering, “Where are we going?”


But it’s become a large part of my life with Christ to simply trust in Him to guide me. And that means learning not to worry about my future.


And it’s easy to worry isn’t it? In fact in a twisted way it’s almost fulfilling to be immersed in our worries. We’ve simply allowed ourselves to be shaped into worrisome people. All too easily letting our fears guide us more than our hopes.


Ah, the awesome power of the “What If’s.”- What if I lose my job? What if my spouse leaves me? What if I get sick? What if the kids get sick? What if our house burns down? It really can be paralyzing. So we bubble wrap our dreams in a sort of padded room of plans for our future. We plan, plan, plan as though we're tightening the straps on a straight jacket to be sure we've taken as few risks as possible.


We’ll stay at our unhappy, dead end jobs for decades just to ride out our 401K’s instead of going back to school or starting a new career. We’ll turn down trips to new places in lew of staying home for our annual vacation, trimming our hedges and cleaning gutters. We buy insurance for everything we own (even our own lives). And some who can afford it might even retain lawyers on the side just to watch over it all in case there’s something we might’ve missed planning for.


And I’m not against planning but maybe we ought to stop and ask ourselves, what are our motives? Are we planning with a sense of hope or are we planning out of fear? Because as I understand it God has taught us not to focus so much on the ‘what if’s’ of tomorrow but instead to focus on our faith in Him right here, right now.


But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! -Luke 12:28


Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. -Matthew 6:34


And so at least in my life, living out this command has been challenging because it goes against my own normal, worrisome, social flow. So I’ve made it a point to pray regularly about it, asking for God to lead me.


And when I pray I like asking God to lead me with the easiest possible signs- “Lord, please lead me through opportunities. Lord, please lead me through mentoring. And Lord, please lead me by putting your own will on my heart.”


Then I can rest in God while comfortably soaking in new opportunities along with any trusted advice and by following my heart.


So with all that in mind I've included this next sermon entitled Living in the Gap. It was taught at the Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas by Pastor Afshin Ziafat.


In this sermon Afshin uses the covenant by God with Abram in Genesis 15 to teach us that we as Christians tend to focus on the gifts of God (fulfillment of the covenant) more than God himself.


Here’s how he puts it:
1. We need to recognize what the true reward is-The Lord came to Abram saying, "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward” -Genesis 15:1
2. We need to take our eyes off whatever’s in God’s hands and put our eyes back on Him. (Quit worshiping what God gives you, worship Him.)


So using my little analogy from the beginning- Is it right for me to be asking the Lord, “Where are we going?” Or should I simply be strengthened in knowing wherever I am He is with me.


Give it a listen then ask your own self, “What am I expecting out of this relationship with God?”

Living in the Gap, Afshin Ziafat

Psalm 1, Blessed is the Man

Blessed is the man

who walks not in the counsel

of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

but his delight is in the law of the LORD,

and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree

planted by streams of water

that yields its fruit in its season,

and its leaf does not wither.

   In all that he does, he prospers.

    

The wicked are not so,

but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

for the LORD knows the way of the righteous,

but the way of the wicked will perish.

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel

Gen 15-18, with Chuck Smith

Chuck Smith has been the lead pastor of Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa, Ca. since 1965. He's done a wonderful job of teaching through the entire bible verse by verse and then making those recordings available for free online. 


When I first started reading the Bible I realized right away that I wanted help understanding more about the scriptures so I asked around. Chuck's name came up right away. I didn't have a computer at the time but I was able to listen to his sermons using the internet on my cell phone. So week after week I avoided many phone calls while listening to Chuck take me through entire books of the bible.


So here's a section of his C2000 series from Genesis 15-18. I hope you enjoy him as much as I have. I've since bought the C3000 series on mp3 and read a number of his books but to me, nothing is as good as this first series. It's almost like sitting at the feet of your easygoing, funny and tender grandfather while listening to him teach. You can find the whole series at:
Chuck Smith, C2000 Through the Bible

Gen 15-18 with Chuck Smith

Down to the River to Pray

Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.

Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved... Mark 16:15-16

Gen 18-19, Search for Sodom and Gomorrah

These are two links to the same awesome video. The link above is a lower quality but watchable video in YouTube format. The link below is a perfect quality video in Windows Media format. So chose whichever works best for your computer.

So this is a 1 hour documentary on the modern textual study and archaeological search for the locations of the two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah. And yes, you might have to either be a bible geek (like me) or maybe just a history nerd (like me) to appreciate this but I know I'm not the only one because 19,000 people already viewed it on YouTube!

Sodom and Gomorrah, 2009 Seattle Creation Conference

Gen 12-13, Abram and Sarai in Egypt

“When Abram entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that the woman (Sarai, his wife) was very beautiful. And when the princes of Pharaoh saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh. And the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. And for her sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels.” Genesis 12:14-16




I’m almost ashamed that I’ve allowed myself to get this old. And now I sometimes feel like I’m left unwillingly wallowing in the social side effects of being in my late 30’s.


For instance, most all of my friends can be split into one of two categories- Married or Divorced. Having never been either, I usually stay awkwardly silent about the whole issue of marriage. Also because I’ve been warned by every former girlfriend to, “Never give anyone any type of advice on relationships, ever.”


So that in mind, I’ve used this sermon by Mark Driscoll (posted below) to interpret the blessings and woe’s of Abram’s first recorded dealings with Sarai, his wife. And for all its immature humor Mark does bring a curious peek into what might have been the early personality of Abram.


An important point to mention is that Abram was by no means a saintly man. In fact I think Mark may refer to him as a “lug-nut” more than once. However, that does create a beautiful setting for us as God’s children to understand. Because God does not call extraordinary people into service, He calls ordinary people into an extraordinary service.


In another key point during the sermon, Mark talks about the gifts Abram received from an ungodly pharaoh as rewards during Abram’s sinful acts. Mark say’s, “It looks like Abram is totally profiting from ungodliness. The truth is that everything he obtains later becomes for him, a curse. The point is this, you can obtain wealth and fame and power but if you do so apart from the kindness of God; what you perceived to be a blessing will actually consume you in the end.”


That hits home with me. I’ve often been confused in life by the imbalance of wealth and fulfillment. For me, they’ve always seemed to conflict. I do know that the times in my life when I’ve been most wealthy are those same times when I’ve been most destructive.


And that’s not to say that wealth is by any means a destructive thing. But it is important to understand that even a seemingly godly blessing such as wealth can be obtained sinfully, thereby being granted by Satan for our harm (see Luke 4:5-7).


Any-who, read Gen 12-13, listen to the sermon below and write your own damn commentary. I’m headin’ over to the Christian Singles website.

Mark Driscoll, Genesis 12:10-13

oh, to save time skip the first 10 minutes of the sermon.

(he's just doing some church announcements)

Don't Fade Away

Don't fade away

My brown-eyed girl

Come walk with me

I'll fill your heart with joy

And we'll dance through our isolation

Seeking solace in the wisdom we bestow

Turning thoughts to the here and everafter

Consuming fears in our fiery halos

Say what you mean

Mean what you say

I've heard that innocence

Has led us all astray

But don't let them make you and break you

The world is filled with their broken empty

dreams

Silence is their only virtue

Locked away inside their silent screams

But for now

Let us dance away

This starry night

Filled with the glow of fiery stars

And with the dawn

Our sun will rise

Bringing a symphony of bird cries

Don't bring me down now

Let me stay here for awhile

You know life's too short

Let me bathe here in your smile

I'm transcending

The fall from the garden

Goodnight

Somnambulist

Has anyone ever told you to be careful when waking a sleepwalker? Urban myth says it can send them into cardiac arrest. I did some sleepwalking as a kid. And if you've never had the experience then let me tell you- Being woken up in a strange place is weird but, then realizing you walked your own self there is terrifying.


You might flicker your eyes open in wonder trying to understand where you are but then you start to see vague and unfamiliar shapes in the darkness and you start to cry. Your first thought is something like, “Did I hurt myself?”


And that’s what the first days of sobriety can be like too. After a week or so of not poisoning your body, your mind starts to clear and a sort of dream-like haze lifts.


Then you start seeing glimpses of what your true reality is and you realize, “This is not the place I thought I was.”


You’re a lot older now. You look awful. Your life is full with debt, shame, and dead-ends. Then you get to check your body for scars.


It’s too much for some people. I’ve watched friends waking up from their old life become so overwhelmed that their first sober act is to try to kill themselves. And honestly, what’d you expect?


This reality is heartless. It’s a world so fueled by self-preservation that everyone has already moved a lifetime ahead of you. So now you don’t just feel like your starting over; you feel like you’re starting from years behind.


And that’s why I say, don’t expect me to slap on a suit and a smile. I’m not ready to seize life as though the last 20 years of self-mutilation never happened.


No, addiction recovery isn’t that feel good fairytale with a plot that turns on a kiss as trumpets sound and everyone cheers. This is a lot more like waking a sleepwalker who then buries their face in their hands and sobs.


So if you’re an addict or know an addict or for whatever reason are feeling the same way, don’t be so anxious to jump into the normal life of those you see on the sidewalk with you. Yeah, their lives do look better than yours. Frankly, yours looks like a train wreck and that’s ok.


Just focus on getting to a safe place. Somewhere quiet and somewhat calm where you can slowly get used to being awake.


Blessings…