You might flicker your eyes open in wonder trying to understand where you are but then you start to see vague and unfamiliar shapes in the darkness and you start to cry. Your first thought is something like, “Did I hurt myself?”
And that’s what the first days of sobriety can be like too. After a week or so of not poisoning your body, your mind starts to clear and a sort of dream-like haze lifts.
Then you start seeing glimpses of what your true reality is and you realize, “This is not the place I thought I was.”
You’re a lot older now. You look awful. Your life is full with debt, shame, and dead-ends. Then you get to check your body for scars.
It’s too much for some people. I’ve watched friends waking up from their old life become so overwhelmed that their first sober act is to try to kill themselves. And honestly, what’d you expect?
This reality is heartless. It’s a world so fueled by self-preservation that everyone has already moved a lifetime ahead of you. So now you don’t just feel like your starting over; you feel like you’re starting from years behind.
And that’s why I say, don’t expect me to slap on a suit and a smile. I’m not ready to seize life as though the last 20 years of self-mutilation never happened.
No, addiction recovery isn’t that feel good fairytale with a plot that turns on a kiss as trumpets sound and everyone cheers. This is a lot more like waking a sleepwalker who then buries their face in their hands and sobs.
So if you’re an addict or know an addict or for whatever reason are feeling the same way, don’t be so anxious to jump into the normal life of those you see on the sidewalk with you. Yeah, their lives do look better than yours. Frankly, yours looks like a train wreck and that’s ok.
Just focus on getting to a safe place. Somewhere quiet and somewhat calm where you can slowly get used to being awake.
Blessings…
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